


A World of Sand

by happinesssdeceit (crescenttwins)



Series: Last Words Soulmate AU [9]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Gen, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Instability, Panic, Panic Attacks, Sleep Deprivation, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4032169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescenttwins/pseuds/happinesssdeceit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Kaneki isn’t there and Hide isn't okay.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve crossed a world of sand and tears in search of you.” -- V.S. Carnes</p>
            </blockquote>





	A World of Sand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [falsehero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/falsehero/gifts).



> This piece is dedicated to Karin, who deserves a happier fic but is getting this sad writing instead. ( ･_･)♡ 
> 
> Two anons requested a piece on Hide's experience/pain whilst Kaneki was missing; this has been written more generic than in the soulmates AU, but I hope you enjoy it nevertheless. Please read the tags to avoid potential triggers, because this is not happy and came from a different place than previous parts. In particular, the anxiety/panic attack described is drawn from a recent experience and may be triggering.
> 
> ANGST WARNING: Please take breaks between parts if you are experiencing any kind of distress; and let me know if there are trigger tags or warnings you would like to be added to any installment in this series.

It takes six days for Hide to put a name on the anxiousness that tugs on his limbs like puppet strings, dragging him across the floor of his apartment in exhaustion because he can’t stop thinking.  Six days of his fingers pressing essays of thought into scribbled notes and pinned up maps, photographs held into walls by half-folded staples--

Words on the television screen slip out of focus, the man on the screen speaking of the ongoing ghoul investigations in low tones.

He presses his palms to his eyes again, willing his eyes to stop aching, willing the words to rise from the muddiness on the page.  His fingers are covered in ink, dipped in the strain of hard work and lack of rest, and soon,

 _soon_ , he’ll find something. He’ll find something, and then he’ll go to class, and maybe, maybe Kaneki will be there.  Maybe he’ll be there and all of Hide’s worries will slide off like water, leaving behind puddles for them to splash through with delight.  

Class starts at 10 AM tomorrow, and Hide stares at the hands of the clock without comprehension.  

The time is incorrect, he’s sure. He hasn’t been up for that long.  Hide peers outside the window at the pinkening sky.  Dawn peels away his view of the stars and reveals the concrete instead, and Hide--

Hide flips open his phone, scrolls through his inbox, and shuts it again.

He’s not sure what he was expecting to change.

  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Are you okay, Nagachika? Today’s lecture isn’t that important-- maybe you should go home?”_

_“Nah, I’m fine. I just didn’t get much sleep last night...just maybe let me borrow your notes if I fall asleep in class?”_

_“Yeah, of course. Just-- I’m sure your friend wouldn’t want you to--”_

  
  
  
  
  
  


Jerking back at the shock, Hide drops the circuit on the table and bites back a hiss of pain.  His finger is tender where it contacted the tracking device, and he eyes the casing warily.  There are few improvements he still needs to make, or the device will lose its signal as soon it enters a tunnel. He eyes the instructions again, device components in disarray about his table.  

Hide flicks on another lamp, pulling the circuit under the makeshift magnifying glass.  The solder shines, metal alloy connecting the rigid parts, smooth and deceptively delicate.  Sometimes you can’t connect, Hide thinks absently.  There are things you simply can’t connect.

He scribbles half-thoughts onto the pages of his notebook, slices his finger on the soft edge of paper. The wound isn’t deep enough to bleed, but he stares of the space where his flesh separates, wondering if he would be able to see the blood thrumming there, if he were a ghoul.

His heartbeat dances through his ears, quick and loud, the flutter of wings beating against his skin. It’s dizzying, the thrum against the strain in his neck, the curl of shadow in his vision.  

Hide blinks slowly, not sure how long he’s been staring.   

And he’s not sure why he’s so thirsty, but water revitalizes him, pushing down the taste of bile that never seems to leave his mouth these days.  

  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Hey, have you seen Kaneki around?”_

_“Who?”_

_“Kaneki Ken. He’s--”_

  
  
  
  
  
  


An ache is playing its way into Hide’s temple, a throbbing hiss of pain that flares when he turns his head.  He runs water over his head in the sink, lets the cold water splash over his neck and onto the bathroom floor.  The headache abates, but his eyes are wet and there’s a tightness in his face that burns.  

He gasps, drawing his head away from the sink, choking as he turns the faucet off.  Hide coughs, inhales sharply, goes to his knees.  Water droplets fall off his hair and face, crashing into the ground in a cacophony of sound.  The taste of salt lingers on his lips, and Hide rubs his hair with a towel.  

He tangles his fingers in the towel for a moment, breathes out shakily, a crawling pressure moving its way up his neck.  Hide can feel his lips trembling, and he stares at the floor, because he’s wasting time here.  He’s wasting time here, and Kaneki is somewhere far away, and what if--

What if Kaneki is alone and hurting?

He buries his face in the towel, a rough sob escaping his lips. What is Kaneki is hurt, and Hide is just sitting here feeling _sorry_ for himself because he wasn’t a _good_ _enough_ friend to make sure Kaneki was okay? And he’s crying, and it makes everything worse because his vision is blurring and his nose is running and _what use is this_?  What use is there to feeling _apologetic_? It’s not going to do _anything_ , it won’t be _useful_ \-- there’s no _point_ \--

It’s just-- it’s just that Hide is so _tired_ , and he just needs a little bit of time to--

But Kaneki, even a few hours could-- even a few _minutes_ \--

Hide sobs into the towel, ugly and emotional and human, because what is he supposed to _do_?  There’s a clenching in his chest, tight and painful, like his heart is trying to tear out of its rightful place, to go to be with Kaneki because the rest of his flesh can’t manage it. Because he’s not capable of it, not at this moment, torn down and broken, a puppet with all its strings cut.  

And soon, soon he’ll remember how to move his legs and arms again, will remember how to pull his thoughts together into something useful. Soon he’ll start looking for Kaneki again, because he could never leave his friend to whatever dark thing has drawn him away. But not now; not now, when he’s shaking apart.

(Across the room, his phone is silent.)

  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Are you sure the guy hasn’t just_ left _, Nagachika? I mean, maybe he found his soulmate or something.”_

_“He wouldn’t leave this way--”_

_“Well, people change.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  


Hide is a deep sleeper in his childhood, wild in sleep and consumed by the dreams his mind weaves together and apart. As he gets older and realizes that not all nightmares visit in his dreams, he begins to linger closer to consciousness, rest uneasy and light.

He startles awake with the sound of movement in his apartment, with the air conditioner turning on next door, the sound of a window shutting-- he twitches awake when his phone buzzes with a new notification (he never turns it on silent, these days).

Sleep is something stolen from the frightening things that dance in the night. And on nights where he’s tired in his bones, when the beating of his heart echoes loudly in his ears, where he can’t collect thoughts long enough to scribble theories or track patterns, he turns on the computer.

He opens the news, looks for stories of ghoul attacks and murder victims, reads through them until he’s sure Kaneki isn’t hiding there, either.

  
  
  
  
  
  


_< Hey, Nagachika. I haven’t seen you in class recently, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Call me back if you need anything, seriously. Class isn’t the same without you...and I don’t know if it’s my place to say, but this guy you’re looking for? He wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.>_

  
  
  
  
  
  


Hide wakes up with his face pressed into the keyboard, his mouse lingering over the refresh button. He raises his eyes to look at the screen, searching, searching--

But his vision is blurry, and his face is wet-- and--

  
  
  
  
  
  


_“I’m sorry, I can’t release that information to you. His next of kin hasn’t listed him as missing--”_

  
  
  
  
  


\--Hide struggles to breathe.

  
  
  
  
  


_< You’ve reached the CCG center for reports of ghoul activity.  I notice that you’re calling from a public phone booth-- are you in a safe location?>_

_“Yes-- I have a tip on a ghoul you’ve been tracking…”_

**Author's Note:**

> Due to some personal complications, I've decided not to accept additional prompts at this time; after I finish my current prompts I'll be deciding where to proceed from there. 
> 
> And as always, thank you for reading and to those who leaving kudos and comments!


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